adventures in awesomeness…

I’m Fat.

on May 15, 2014

If I lost 40 pounds I could talk shit about everyone.

I tried to blame the new baby on why I’m still wearing gigantic Walmart underwear, but my sister reminded me that he’s almost 7 months old and so it’s probably the wine and microwave popcorn.

Damned Homestyle. What does that even mean? Absolutely no popcorn that I have made at home has EVER tasted like Pop-secret Home style popcorn. That ficking shit is awesome. Especially with the Walmart jalapeno cheese powder. A laboratory symphony.

My son doesn’t eat McDonald’s ever since we told him about the chemicals and chicken toes in the nuggets. (Ever get a chewy bit? TOES!) But sometimes I’ve had enough of this world (and dishes) and I need a quick dinner.

Me: Do you guys want McDonalds?

Kid: No.

Me: What about KFC?

Kid: Does it have chemicals?

Me: ….




Um, no.

Kid: Ok, I want chicken and french fries.


God, I am a horrible parent.



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