adventures in awesomeness…

Power Kegels or: How I Found My Way Home While Hating the Garmin

on February 15, 2011

It began so innocently.

I had the rage, all I needed was the Geto Boys

After almost 6 months of procrastinating, I was finally taking my iPod touch to be repaired. I grabbed my coffee, Mylo, and my shattered iPod and hopped on the road. The repair shop was located 11 miles away. Google estimated 27 minutes. When I typed the address into the Garmin GPS, it tells me it can get me there in 20. Nice. I had planned to drop off my iPod, stop by the mall to get my glasses fixed and buy a gift for Matt’s birthday, pick up my (hopefully) repaired iPod and be home in time to pick Jaxon up from school at noon.

We drive a total of 2 miles before the shit hits the fan. Instead of taking a route that utilizes freeways, the Garmin decides it would be faster to take the streets through Hollywood and Beverly Hills. The Garmin was WRONG. 45 minutes later we arrive and I have to pee.

I drop off my iPod (more about that experience in another post) and rush back to the car. It’s 11:28am. So much for getting my glasses fixed and going to the mall. Doing the pee-pee dance, I tell the Garmin to take the fastest route home. I pull onto the road, squeezing my Detrusor muscles every time the car hits one of the millions of Los Angeles city street pot holes. Surely, I thought, the Garmin would surely direct me to the 405 N, which was much closer than trucking back across town.

WRONG. It wants me to go back through that horrible mess of congested, single lane streets. I try to pull up a map to see if I am actually close to the freeway. The Garmin won’t let me see a map. I try to find out where it’s planning on taking me. It doesn’t feel like telling me. I can feel my anger level rising and like the Hulk, I’m about to explode. But not into a mash of green muscles, but a burst of pee! I throw the Garmin aside and turn left. “RECALCULATING…. TURN RIGHT AT….”

Oh shut up stupid Garmin. I am not going that way. I see the freeway. EFF. YEAH. I groan, squeeze, and turn up the bumpy on-ramp. “RECALCULATING…. EXIT IN POINT FIVE MILES…”

I am not exiting! I am not spending the next 45 minutes weaving up and down everybody’s back alley! I make it over the mountains and down into the valley.


WHAT?? Why is this stupid thing trying to put me on the streets instead of taking the freeway? I asked for FASTEST ROUTE! The 101 S runs parallel to Ventura!?!!! I am very angry now. Angry at the Garmin and angry at the idiots on the road. Doesn’t anyone know that I have to PEE??!!??!! Today must have been Leave Your Brain At Home Day because no one was doing any thinking. You would have thought there was massive traffic considering how slow everyone was going. Nope, no traffic. God just blew a nasty snot wad on the road and we were all stuck. Stuck behind stupid.

Since I did not get the brain-removal memo, I managed to unstick myself from the annoying wad of traffic and get home. Too late to pick up my son, though. Luckily Matt was able to get him.

And I peed for one minute and two seconds. I timed it.

The Garmin. Great for finding an ATM in a jam, but sometimes you need to rely on your own brain to get you home.


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