There are two roads in front of me and I am standing at the fork in the road. Actually, I’m in the living room of the house that is down the street from the fork on the road, looking out to see if its safe to even venture outside again while the boys play in whatever is messy, loud, or dangerous. Hmmm. The weather forecast is predicting rain. Maybe I should wait until tomorrow to go down to the ole’ fork. And then I turn back to the TV where Gordon Ramsay is verbally tearing Dewberry a new one.
While I would like to classify one road as easy and the other as hard, both are difficult in their own ways. Part of me says go back to stability, date nights, vacation… but it’s a package deal. Also included is deadening loneliness and isolation, the dog-pee and crooked cabinets. San Diego has sunshine and family, but carries too many reminders of nights long past. To go it alone would be to get up and do something, maybe for less than I know I’m worth. Dreams would be discarded for rent money. And the loneliness would find me no matter where I hid, creeping into my heart like a winter wind through an old window. Oh, it would be so much easier to disappear, to disregard life and focus on the immediate present. But one cannot live in limbo forever. Eventually decisions have to be made. Which road is the better deal? And are there umbrellas on sale? Sigh. Best to ignore it for now and sleep.