Jessielah!

adventures in awesomeness…

Presidents’ Day

on February 16, 2010

It was Monday. Ruby and I (both with not much else to do) had been chatting all afternoon on Gmail. After hours of rehashing the problems behind the drama of the past two months, I threw in the towel.
me:
I’m just going to blame LD too.
ruby:
Hahaha. You do that. He made you fall in love with him.
me:
That’s right, Ruby, he did. LD ruined my life and got Matt to impregnate me.
ruby:
Fucking LD. I hate that dude. He just wanted to have a threesome with a married woman.
me:
I know. He manipulated me to get what he wanted – even though he was already getting what he wanted – he just manipulated me more to fuck me over. ‘Cause he’s a dick.

The more we talked, the more elaborate the blame became.

ruby:
He got you knocked up and married just to set it all up.
me:
What a scumbag.
ruby:
The kids… well, they were incidental. He doesn’t care about the kids. Fucking asshole.
me:
What a jerk…. And he called me a pushover at Target.
(This was true. He did call me a pushover. Must have affected me more than I realized.)

While I momentarily lost myself in a Target rendezvous, Ruby elaborated on LD’s master plan.

ruby:
…and he gets off on the stealing you away (He’s like Yuckie). That’s the reason he had you married off in the first place.
me:
Brilliant. Eff that dude and his big ole wiener.
ruby:
Hahaha. Yeah, eff that dude.
me:
Because when the SNAFUs hit the table, he was gone!
ruby:
I know! Like, he purposefully waited until he lived in another country to finally pull the hijinx.
me:
Exactly, Ruby. Exactly. Just so he could run off. It was all part of the grand plan.
ruby:
Schemer. It’s like a Julia Roberts/George Clooney movie.
me:
Can I be Thandie Newton instead of Julia Roberts?
ruby:
Sure.
me:
I’d be the bad guy…. and LD would be the bad guy. And Matt would be the bad guy too. It would be one of those icky movies where everyone was flawed.
ruby:
Everyone’s a bad guy. The Threesome Caper.
me:
Except there’d be no happy ending for this movie. Matt’s emotions would overtake him and he would kill me. That would be my punishment. Matt would end up in jail. That’s his punishment. And LD would be overcome with grief and have to live each day with it. That would be his punishment.
(Lots of punishment. The Texas God must have rubbed off on me.)
ruby:
Matt’s going to kill you?
me:
Well he can’t just send nasty emails in the movie. That’s not nearly as exciting as murder.
ruby:
Oh well. LD deserved it since he masterminded the whole thing in the first place.

I laughed. Ruby laughed. No wonder Matt blames LD for everything. It’s kind of nice to not have to be responsible for anything for a few minutes.
Presidents’ Day. A day for bashing and threesome caper movies.

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